Words on Roughhousing

A group of boys is roughhousing on the play yard. No one is throwing punches or scratching, but there is a latent tension in their actions. Small grunts, short peals of laughter, and chasing—lots and lots of chasing and catching. What’s going on? What do you do?

Most parents and teachers would default, especially depending on the child and context, to stopping the play. The sight of two children fighting or engaging in behavior that looks like fighting can be upsetting and confusing for adults and even for some other children. However, the truth is that if we don’t pause to reflect with children, we’ll never get to the bottom to these actions and we will consistently fail to understand them, their place in children’s lives, and what we should do about them.

Indeed, as much as many adults don’t, children seem to love rough and tumble play. Hitting, pushing, and shoving are part and parcel of children’s play. And, what’s more, they are often accompanied by smiles and laughter—until, of course, they aren’t. The thing about rough play is that while we don’t have to teach it and children don’t have to learn it, it is our job to help them understand how to manage it.

I don’t say, however, that we ‘teach’ children to manage this play. This is something that they are capable of on their own if we provide the appropriate supports. What are some things to keep in mind, then, when helping children manage and reflect on their rough and tumble play?

A Reflective Lens.

Take some time to sit with your children after observing an episode of play and reflect on it. What was going on? What emotions were they experiencing?

During my time with a group I called ‘The Rough Boys’ I learned that, for them, this play was as nuanced as any other. They both loved and were at times worried and frightened by it. In my journal at the time I wrote:

The boys are comfortable with the multifaceted nature of this play. They recognize that their play has different dimensions—it leaves them, happy, sad, angry, excited, and frustrated all in the same moments.

Indeed, toward the end of a discussion with the boys that I believed was tending toward the conclusion that they would not want to do rough play again, one boy said: “Next time, you pull him off of me. Okay?” To which his friend nodded and replied that he would.

Perspective Taking.

Often in the midst of rough play, one child is enjoying it while the other is not. Within a few minutes or even seconds, this dynamic is reversed. In either moment, especially when each child is consenting to the rough play, the important thing is inviting each child to consider how the other feels in a given moment.

With the Rough Boys I used photographs to drive this point home. When I noticed that rough play was beginning to start, I would take a few pictures. Without fail I’d find smiles, instances of laughter, and occasionally a rather interesting shot of another child punching another. Not necessarily my best moments as a teacher, but as someone striving to understand children, these photos and the conversations that followed were fascinating.

Being Realistic.

In addition, although this may be an unpopular opinion (and I know it is not the case with all actions at al ages) children must learn that playing with certain friends (who have particular temperaments) and playing certain games (e.g. fighter games) come with particular risks. Eventually, children need to understand that, in their classroom cultural context, playing superman means you will probably get pushed. If you don’t like it, don’t play the game.

“Stop Means Stop”

Nonetheless, perhaps the most important rules in this sort of play is that when one child desires to end it, it needs to end. That’s it, no questions asked.

Rough play is unavoidable. So, it’s important to think about helping children, once the are old enough establish rules around it. Take a few minutes to speak with your children about what rough play is, isn’t, and how it should be managed.

Author’s Note: Much of my thinking on this subject was informed by my reading of Under Deadman’s Skin in which psychologist and educator Jane Katch reflects on the violent play of young children. While one may or may not agree with everything Katch asserts, it is a fascinating investigation of just how much children can understand of their play and how much they are willing, if we listen, to reveal to us.